One Gamer's Thoughts

My observations, rants, and philosophies on life and gaming in general

Friday, July 02, 2010

Cats and psycho-analysis

It's been about a month since the last entry, but who cares?! There are like 2 people reading this lol. I finally got the internet at my house and everything is back to "normal". I just have less and less motivation to do anything these days, blogging included. That and I kinda have a short attention span. It has taken me 30 min just to get this far thanks to numerous distractions.Also, you'd think typing on a keyboard would be better than being restricted on an iPhone, but it does everything for you! I'm truly spoiled now with contractions and capitalization because the wonder phone did it all for me. Now I have to do it manually. Lame. On with the show!

A few updates: I'm no longer talking to my dad. He's a complete failure in my eyes. Even had to block him on Facebook. I think the day he apologizes will also be the day I go bang a prostitute; it's just not going to happen. Moving on.

As far as drinking goes, I think it's bad for me, but I'm giving it one final shot (no pun intended) this next outing. If I can finally let loose and just have fun... The blonde one says cognitive behavioral therapy could really help me out. I think we're really similar, but more on that in a bit. In any case, alcohol seems to be a depressant in the truest sense of the word, but after I get some things worked out I should be ok.

Still without a car, but that should be ironed out within the month. If not I'm going MIA.

So I'm working with the blonde one and we're talking about how I don't like to go home. The fact is I'd rather not be at home because there's nothing to do there.I'd rather be at work, working for free, than staying at home in my own misery. "Maybe you should get a pet?", she asks. I've never really had a pet before, aside from some fish. My little sister had a hamster for a few years, and my older sister attempted to take in a stray cat before completely neglecting it later, but they were never my pets. "Maybe," I respond, entertaining the idea. "What kind of pet would you have?", she asks curiously. I respond with little thought, "Probably a cat. They're low maintenance and come around when they want to". "Oh, Jamaal", she responds with a smirk. "I've learned so much about you from just that one sentence". "Really?", I respond. I ask her to elaborate. "You like to love things that don't love you back!" Now, excuse me for my language, but I wasn't wearing a condom and she completely fucked my mind!

It made too much sense to me. As I explained, I like the thrill of the "hunt". I flirt a lot and it's almost unintentional. It's all fun and games, right? Girls do it too! The problem I have is that I end up falling for some of them. It seems as though I like it that way. As much as I've gone on and on about wanting a relationship, being "the friend" is a way that I can stick around and make flirtatious comments. Generally, it's the flirts that I like to hang around. I give them a few compliments and they jokingly give me some (or put me down, as the case may be). I smile, she smiles, we move on. It's just fun to me! I'm currently carrying this out this procedure with the new girls at work, and I've never had so much fun. On the other hand, when I find out some girls have genuine interest in me, I back off. It's quite confusing

Interestingly, I think she might have made a jab at our relationship. Aside from a drunken outing, in which I was playing with her the whole time, I've never told her how I've felt about her. However, actions speak louder than words. Even though I try to pass it off as playful flirting and nothing more, pretty much the whole store knows what's up. If that's the case, she knows how I feel, acknowledged it right then and there, and basically said "It's not going to happen, but you'll love me anyways". She's not wrong. Is that a problem?

Similarly, the other girl I've been crushing on explained to me that I'm only hurting myself. She's not wrong either. I'm completely ignoring my feelings in favor of the others. I don't want to ruin things, but the more I indulge in this activity, the more I'm ruining it for myself. But what's the rush? It's been constantly explained to me that "the one" will come to me when I don't expect it, I deserve better, etc. I'm not looking for anything right now, but if this keeps up there may never be anything, and that's scary.

I don't know how to change. There isn't a happy medium. I think I went around in circles. I just wanted to get that out there.