One Gamer's Thoughts

My observations, rants, and philosophies on life and gaming in general

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I think I'm afraid of commitment

Twice. That's twice this year I've had to turn down girls who were
into me. I think there are a few reasons for this

1) I've never really had a girlfriend. This probably has something to
do with the fact that I kinda don't care. Sure, it's obvious when I
like a girl (apparently I do all the typical elementary level things
short of writing, "do u like me?" on an note), but I've never put "the
moves" on a girl. So when a girl tries to put the moves on me, I don't
know how to react. Typical me would flirt back, playfully. Once I know
things are getting serious, I clam up. Though this rarely happens
because I'm...

2) Super dense. I really can't read people when it comes to flirting.
Flirting, to me, is a game. A game that subconciously erects
boundaries so that I don't win. In other words, I'm always protecting
myself. Bad line? "Just kidding". Dirty line? *Laughter*. Every once
in a while, however, I start winning this game and it's usually
unbeknownst to me. I really wouldn't know what to do. In all honesty,
you'd have to tell me how you feel if you want me to take you seriously.

And that's what happened. Twice. I pretty much had to turn them down
after much thought. But should I be thinking? At 21 years of age,
perhaps I should live a little. Have some fun, have new experiences,
ya know, that sort of thing. I am completely reluctant to do so!

I think it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. I want a relationship
with a girl where we really click. I'm her type and she's mine. We get
each other. We can spend time talking about nothing forever. We're
really good friends... That sort of thing. So when these opportunities
come from out of left field, I reject them. They are not the droids
I'm looking for (just popped in my head, go with it). There's nothing
wrong with them. They're beautiful in their own ways, just not my
type. But do they have to be?

Hence the title: I think I'm afraid of commitment. On a basic level, I
feel as though there doesn't need to be "types" or pre-defined
"destined" relationships. You either like each other or you don't.
BUT, I'm most afraid of getting hurt and hurting others. I don't want
to break hearts and I don't want mine broken. A few weeks, months, or
years of "fun" is meaningless if it's just not going to work out. I
attempt to calculate this out beforehand, yet it seems like I'm going
to be heartbroken either way.

Maybe I'll give this a shot, and you'll be sure to hear about it if I
end up heartbroken. Or I could just stay single and not worry about
it. I'm pretty content this way. Though if I turn out to be the 40 yr
old virgin, please kill me.

Not that anyone cares, but feel free to follow me on Twitter @jam_jon.
I'll keep it much more light hearted. We can talk about nothing


  • At 8:19 PM, Anonymous WingWoman said…

    Ok, so this is the entry that I've been waiting for since you started writing your blog. First and foremost, a relationship isn't just two people connected through their feelings. It is risk, a leap of faith, an unveiling of selflessness. It means that you take away your walls and reluctance to allow someone to possibly hurt you-- but to have the faith in them to not do so.

    We go through life constantly calculating cost benefits. Thinking that life, with all its unperceived factors will be "safe" for us to go through-- without pain, suffering, and breakdowns. But that is a misconception. Life (with love included) requires risk everyday. We take it, go down if need be, and get right back up. You, Jamaal, have had enough of these moments to understand that risk in required to even get a glimpse of satisfaction in life.

    And honestly, how do you know a true, completely uninhibited love relationship when you haven't hit a few road bumps on the road? I mean I'm not speaking for those who found and stayed with their true loves from high school (more power to ya!) But you don't truly know what you want, until you have experienced what you DON'T want. Everything comes with time. That includes, learning to flirt, dating, sex (you WILL NOT be a 40 year old virgin), careers, ect.

    I don't know if this was particularly a rant-- but I believe it might be. I hope I was slightly clear. If not, then call me!


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