A blessing and a curse

For a long time I decides that I would never begin consuming alcohol.
What was the point, I wondered. Surely you didn't need wonder tonic to
have a good time, right? This was before I turned 21.

Thus far, I have went drinking with friends about 7 times. The first
few times were for funsies. I had never drank anything before and I
wanted to know what it was like. I was convinced that after my
birthday, I would be done with drinking altogether. I would have been
there. I would have done that. Got the tshirt and the hat, right? Not
so.

I blame becoming a bit smitten with a coworker of mine. On the second
night of my birthday celebrations, I decided to go clubbing. I was
gonna go that once and never again. Unfortunately, not many people
came with me that night. It was just me, a gay coworker who is
crushing on me (the fact that I'm straight drives him even more), and
two female coworkers. One that was kinda the punk rocker type, one
that was a hot blonde. If it did end up with just me, gay guy, and
punk rocker, I'm convinced I never would have went clubbing ever
again. It was the hot blonde who changed my mind.

The hot blonde could dance. Amazingly well. The way she could move her
body was mesmerizing. She was always quiet and reserved at work. To
see her on the dance floor like that blew my mind. She owned the dance
floor that night.

... What was I talking about again? Right, the drinking thing. It was
the 3rd time I had ever really danced in my adult life at the time,
and it was extremely awkward and stiff. Until I got a few drinks in my
system. I got loose, I was moving all over the place, flailing wildly
without a care in the world. When I wasn't dancing, I was watching her
and the rest of the club dance. To them it seemed effortless. I was
envious. I wanted to get like them at some point. I can't.

Without alcohol, I'm quiet, shy, reserved and introverted. With
alcohol, I'm loud, out there, extroverted, confident and flirtatious.
I kinda like it the latter way. Herein lies the problem. I can't be
tipsy me all the time. I would love to lose myself and take risks all
the time, but subconscious barriers I have erected over the course of
my 21 years prevent that. Alcohol is my key to get rid of those
barriers. It seems that way at least.

At the same time, I despise tipsy Jamaal. I'm drinking for one, which
I thought I would never have to resort to. I do things I would never
even consider when sober. I'm obviously making a fool of myself, but I
can't be bothered to care. I become so flirtatious that I end up
embarassing myself, so much so that I want to pretend the last time I
went drinking never happened. Then there's the stumbling, the slurred
speech, etc.

At this point I'm at a loss for what to do. Without alcohol I'm a
loser. With alcohol I'm a loser. I can't win. I want to be like the
hot blonde, but my self restrictions keep me from being able to do so.
She does it all without alcohol. I want to be the same.