I'm frustrated

I got a promotion at work. That only took 3 years. It's temporary, but it'll be enough for now. With the promotion comes a lot of unnecessary pressure, I feel. See, I've been able to get away with just working in the back room for 3 years, but with this promotion I have to move beyond that. I have to work at the cash registers. That's scary! Not really, but there are a bunch of rules you have to remember and follow to the book or else you could get fired over a free panty. I've seen it happen. Not only that, but I have to be even more involved in some behind the scenes aspects. Payroll, backroom organization, walking associates out of the store... My manager has a great deal of faith in me. She's been attempting to "pass the torch" for awhile. She talks to me about store layout, marketing decisions, and a lot of technical jargon, but I just nod or agree politely. I have no idea what she's talking about sometimes! The big change will be that I'm directly above other backroom people. I have to manage them! At first I didn't think it would be an issue because I practically do it all the time, but a new hire has convinced me otherwise. I've tried to train her. I've tried to show her the best techniques. I've been keeping a smile on my face. She doesn't listen to me. Blatantly. It's starting to piss me off. I've been really trying to avoid the power trip that has happened to a lot of other associates with new found powers, but she will be the one to push me there.

Did I mention I might have to miss school again? Yeah, with this promotion comes a lot more hours to work. School might not be possible. Without a car, there's no way I can do it. I've already accepted the promotion. Can I really afford to miss another year of school? No, absolutely not. But it looks like I'll have to miss this semester. It really sucks, but my hands are actually tied at this point. Let's go over this one more time: Without a car, I can go to school to take this (dumb) required class on Tuesdays and Thursdays riding my bike. The problem with that is I have to miss a day of work. If I miss a day of work, I'm making less money. With less money, I can't save up more money. If I can't save money, I can't buy a car. If I do happen to get a car, yes I will be able to go to work on Tuesdays as well as go to school, but I will be making less with less hours. Since I won't be making much money, I'm in danger of not paying my share of the rent, my cell phone bill, my internet, and on top of that car insurance and gas money. I simply can't afford it at this time. The only alternative is to get a car before school starts and driving to another campus for Monday Wednesday classes. I'll try my best, but it isn't looking likely

Moving on to other things, still without a car. I did actually check out the car I mentioned in the previous entry. It's a 1990 Nissan Sentra with 200k miles on it. Yeah... Gave it a test drive and it performed pretty well though. The big issue was that the speedometer was not working. He wanted $1500 for it. No dice. The blue book value for that car in excellent condition is $1200. It was in excellent shape otherwise, but I'm not paying $1500 to buy a car, then spend what could possibly be another fortune to fix the speedometer. Hey, it could happen. I'm thinking of it as a last resort car, since it probably isn't going anywhere anytime soon. The search continues.

I'll top this all off with a bit of girl "drama". I really like her. Like, really, really like her. We worked together 2 years ago, and now she's back. She's awesome. I can't figure her out. That's normal. I was dumb yesterday and sent her a text message I probably shouldn't have. No response. Yeah, I could be done. I get to see her on Wednesday, maybe that clears some things up. I just don't know. I just want to give up. Hasn't happened yet, so it probably won't ever happen.

I'm being super emo about this, but I'm just really frustrated about everything. It's all downhill from here it seems. Let's hope not.

This blog post brought to you partially by Epic Win

So, mini review time. There's this iPhone app called "Epic Win". The app is essentially a to do list. You write down what tasks to do for the day, week, month etc and do them. "That doesn't really sound epic", you're thinking. The brilliant catch is that you gain experience points and loot for your avatar. To advance in the "game" you have to do real world tasks. It's a to do list, motivation app! For me, this is is brilliant. As I have probably documented before, I'm extremely unmotivated. This app has motivated me more than anything else in years. I think that says something. I'm just in love with the concept, and I'm hoping I can actually do things with this "motivation". It's really bare bones at the moment, but the developers are committed to adding to it indefinitely and for $3 it's a win for me.

Now then, why am I bringing this up? Today, I have told Epic Win (and thus Epic Win told me) to complete my FAFSA application to get ready for school. I was excited to finally get back on track. I've been out of school and have really missed it, so this was the first step to getting back in. Of course, I knew the deadline had since passed, but my sister said it would be ok. I go to the website and it says the deadline has passed. This is discouraging. It would really help if I didn't have to pay that much for school. I have bills to pay and I still have to work really hard to get that money. If I have to pay for school, it'd be yet another setback. I tried to get that off of my mind. I figured I should see what classes I would be taking this semester.

I bring up the search for classes and get the worst news possible. The required class is only available on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Bad news. See, I have a pretty rigidly set schedule at work. As one of the main members of the stock team I have to work Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. These shifts are all 6am-2pm at least, but it never happens that way. On a regular day, we get something like 20-something hours of processing. Lets say 24 hours for the sake of this example. We are expected for all the shipment to get done before we all clock out. So if there's 3 people working (rare), we all would work 8 hours. That's a best case scenario. Things often get in the way. Someone inevitably needs someone to do an extra project, or jump on the cash registers, or take out the trash. With a 15 minute paid break and a 30 minute break without pay, I'd say, generally, that 1.5 hours are spent not doing shipment. That means what would take 8 hours has taken 9.5. It's already 3pm at that point, assuming the supervisor arrives on time (which never happens). Did I also mention that we get tired working these long shifts? So working on boxes takes longer. On a day like this we'd probably be out by 4pm. Now imagine if it were just 2 people working 24 hours worth of shipment, and an inexperienced 3rd member is called in halfway through. Yeah. This is normal.

My problem? By taking classes on a shipment day, I'm robbing myself of a huge amount of money. 12 hours in a day sounds horrible, but if you're only working 3 times a week, it's not so bad. If I have to cut my hours that means I can't afford school. I can't afford to live if I cut my hours. "Get a new job", you're thinking. No other job can offer me those kinds of hours. If they could, I'd be working there. I just love my job. I can't leave my coworkers, my boss. They're like my extended family. Plus, they can't do anything without me. Seriously. I was off for 3 days and I came back to a mess. My manager would probably outright refuse me.

Did I mention that I still don't have a car? Yeah, I missed my deadline. I feel like crap, but there seems to be a silver lining. My coworkers dad is selling a car. Woohoo! I have his phone number, so I'm going to call him... eventually. I'm just nervous. She says he's really intimidating, and I don't want to make a fool of myself. Epic Win can't help me here. Anyway, without a car it's that much harder to get to class. If I could take it online I would, but it's not available.

These kinds of things keep coming up and it's extremely discouraging. I'm 21 and still a freshman in college. My high school classmates are juniors and seniors. Some have already graduated! I'm being left behind and it's really depressing. At this point I don't know what to do. Can I really afford to sit out another semester? That's a rhetorical question. I already know the answer.

And I just gained 100 exp by writing this. Suckas!

Cats and psycho-analysis

It's been about a month since the last entry, but who cares?! There are like 2 people reading this lol. I finally got the internet at my house and everything is back to "normal". I just have less and less motivation to do anything these days, blogging included. That and I kinda have a short attention span. It has taken me 30 min just to get this far thanks to numerous distractions.Also, you'd think typing on a keyboard would be better than being restricted on an iPhone, but it does everything for you! I'm truly spoiled now with contractions and capitalization because the wonder phone did it all for me. Now I have to do it manually. Lame. On with the show!

A few updates: I'm no longer talking to my dad. He's a complete failure in my eyes. Even had to block him on Facebook. I think the day he apologizes will also be the day I go bang a prostitute; it's just not going to happen. Moving on.

As far as drinking goes, I think it's bad for me, but I'm giving it one final shot (no pun intended) this next outing. If I can finally let loose and just have fun... The blonde one says cognitive behavioral therapy could really help me out. I think we're really similar, but more on that in a bit. In any case, alcohol seems to be a depressant in the truest sense of the word, but after I get some things worked out I should be ok.

Still without a car, but that should be ironed out within the month. If not I'm going MIA.

So I'm working with the blonde one and we're talking about how I don't like to go home. The fact is I'd rather not be at home because there's nothing to do there.I'd rather be at work, working for free, than staying at home in my own misery. "Maybe you should get a pet?", she asks. I've never really had a pet before, aside from some fish. My little sister had a hamster for a few years, and my older sister attempted to take in a stray cat before completely neglecting it later, but they were never my pets. "Maybe," I respond, entertaining the idea. "What kind of pet would you have?", she asks curiously. I respond with little thought, "Probably a cat. They're low maintenance and come around when they want to". "Oh, Jamaal", she responds with a smirk. "I've learned so much about you from just that one sentence". "Really?", I respond. I ask her to elaborate. "You like to love things that don't love you back!" Now, excuse me for my language, but I wasn't wearing a condom and she completely fucked my mind!

It made too much sense to me. As I explained, I like the thrill of the "hunt". I flirt a lot and it's almost unintentional. It's all fun and games, right? Girls do it too! The problem I have is that I end up falling for some of them. It seems as though I like it that way. As much as I've gone on and on about wanting a relationship, being "the friend" is a way that I can stick around and make flirtatious comments. Generally, it's the flirts that I like to hang around. I give them a few compliments and they jokingly give me some (or put me down, as the case may be). I smile, she smiles, we move on. It's just fun to me! I'm currently carrying this out this procedure with the new girls at work, and I've never had so much fun. On the other hand, when I find out some girls have genuine interest in me, I back off. It's quite confusing

Interestingly, I think she might have made a jab at our relationship. Aside from a drunken outing, in which I was playing with her the whole time, I've never told her how I've felt about her. However, actions speak louder than words. Even though I try to pass it off as playful flirting and nothing more, pretty much the whole store knows what's up. If that's the case, she knows how I feel, acknowledged it right then and there, and basically said "It's not going to happen, but you'll love me anyways". She's not wrong. Is that a problem?

Similarly, the other girl I've been crushing on explained to me that I'm only hurting myself. She's not wrong either. I'm completely ignoring my feelings in favor of the others. I don't want to ruin things, but the more I indulge in this activity, the more I'm ruining it for myself. But what's the rush? It's been constantly explained to me that "the one" will come to me when I don't expect it, I deserve better, etc. I'm not looking for anything right now, but if this keeps up there may never be anything, and that's scary.

I don't know how to change. There isn't a happy medium. I think I went around in circles. I just wanted to get that out there.

My dad

There hasn't been much going on in my life lately, do I haven't had
much to write about. My "audience" should understand. The only thing I
was kicking around in my head was some blog post about my dad.

See, I only live with my mom now. My dad may or may not even be living
at the same place anymore. I haven't talked to him in person for a
month or so. He only sends text messages when he wants something or
has something to announce (like his phone is about to be cut off, or
that it has cut back on). Despite that, I've been starting to miss
having him around. He's quick to make bad jokes, or comment on
something that happened somewhere I. The world, but he otherwise
stayed to himself. It was odd, then, when he started sending messages
saying how much he loves us (me and my sisters), and how he misses us.
Mind you, he would never say that in person. The last time I had
substanstial physical contact with him was when I graduated from
highschool and he gave me a big hug. Lately, he's been extremely
irresponsible and frequently MIA, so I haven't gotten the chance to
really talk to him.

I miss my dad.

Well, that was before he updated his facebook status today (never make
my mistake and add even one of your parents on facebook). The new year
"has brought new blessings," he says. However, "it was clear that some
things had to he removed to bring about these new blessings".

...

What? You mean you had to remove your wife and family from a house
that you haven't contributed to in years? You had to remove having to
pay for electricity, gas and water to live comfortably? And yet you
still can barely pay your cell phone bill, you have to hide your car
from the repo men so you can pay later, and there has not been one
word of apology for ruining my life, my sisters lives, and most
importantly, my moms life!

What is there to miss, good sir, when you could have kept everything
if you really meant to provide for the family? As far as I'm
concerned, you had to remove your self respect and integrity to even
continue living with yourself. What man leaves his wife for some
bimbo, comes back 4 years later, provides for 10 years, and decides to
just stop and instead go out all night and smoke cigars? Midlife
crisis, maybe, but that is no indication of a man to me. Precisely the
reason I don't even want to think of getting married because I'm
scared to death of turning into my dad.

And yet, I still miss my dad.

A blessing and a curse

For a long time I decides that I would never begin consuming alcohol.
What was the point, I wondered. Surely you didn't need wonder tonic to
have a good time, right? This was before I turned 21.

Thus far, I have went drinking with friends about 7 times. The first
few times were for funsies. I had never drank anything before and I
wanted to know what it was like. I was convinced that after my
birthday, I would be done with drinking altogether. I would have been
there. I would have done that. Got the tshirt and the hat, right? Not
so.

I blame becoming a bit smitten with a coworker of mine. On the second
night of my birthday celebrations, I decided to go clubbing. I was
gonna go that once and never again. Unfortunately, not many people
came with me that night. It was just me, a gay coworker who is
crushing on me (the fact that I'm straight drives him even more), and
two female coworkers. One that was kinda the punk rocker type, one
that was a hot blonde. If it did end up with just me, gay guy, and
punk rocker, I'm convinced I never would have went clubbing ever
again. It was the hot blonde who changed my mind.

The hot blonde could dance. Amazingly well. The way she could move her
body was mesmerizing. She was always quiet and reserved at work. To
see her on the dance floor like that blew my mind. She owned the dance
floor that night.

... What was I talking about again? Right, the drinking thing. It was
the 3rd time I had ever really danced in my adult life at the time,
and it was extremely awkward and stiff. Until I got a few drinks in my
system. I got loose, I was moving all over the place, flailing wildly
without a care in the world. When I wasn't dancing, I was watching her
and the rest of the club dance. To them it seemed effortless. I was
envious. I wanted to get like them at some point. I can't.

Without alcohol, I'm quiet, shy, reserved and introverted. With
alcohol, I'm loud, out there, extroverted, confident and flirtatious.
I kinda like it the latter way. Herein lies the problem. I can't be
tipsy me all the time. I would love to lose myself and take risks all
the time, but subconscious barriers I have erected over the course of
my 21 years prevent that. Alcohol is my key to get rid of those
barriers. It seems that way at least.

At the same time, I despise tipsy Jamaal. I'm drinking for one, which
I thought I would never have to resort to. I do things I would never
even consider when sober. I'm obviously making a fool of myself, but I
can't be bothered to care. I become so flirtatious that I end up
embarassing myself, so much so that I want to pretend the last time I
went drinking never happened. Then there's the stumbling, the slurred
speech, etc.

At this point I'm at a loss for what to do. Without alcohol I'm a
loser. With alcohol I'm a loser. I can't win. I want to be like the
hot blonde, but my self restrictions keep me from being able to do so.
She does it all without alcohol. I want to be the same.

I think I'm afraid of commitment

Twice. That's twice this year I've had to turn down girls who were
into me. I think there are a few reasons for this

1) I've never really had a girlfriend. This probably has something to
do with the fact that I kinda don't care. Sure, it's obvious when I
like a girl (apparently I do all the typical elementary level things
short of writing, "do u like me?" on an note), but I've never put "the
moves" on a girl. So when a girl tries to put the moves on me, I don't
know how to react. Typical me would flirt back, playfully. Once I know
things are getting serious, I clam up. Though this rarely happens
because I'm...

2) Super dense. I really can't read people when it comes to flirting.
Flirting, to me, is a game. A game that subconciously erects
boundaries so that I don't win. In other words, I'm always protecting
myself. Bad line? "Just kidding". Dirty line? *Laughter*. Every once
in a while, however, I start winning this game and it's usually
unbeknownst to me. I really wouldn't know what to do. In all honesty,
you'd have to tell me how you feel if you want me to take you seriously.

And that's what happened. Twice. I pretty much had to turn them down
after much thought. But should I be thinking? At 21 years of age,
perhaps I should live a little. Have some fun, have new experiences,
ya know, that sort of thing. I am completely reluctant to do so!

I think it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. I want a relationship
with a girl where we really click. I'm her type and she's mine. We get
each other. We can spend time talking about nothing forever. We're
really good friends... That sort of thing. So when these opportunities
come from out of left field, I reject them. They are not the droids
I'm looking for (just popped in my head, go with it). There's nothing
wrong with them. They're beautiful in their own ways, just not my
type. But do they have to be?

Hence the title: I think I'm afraid of commitment. On a basic level, I
feel as though there doesn't need to be "types" or pre-defined
"destined" relationships. You either like each other or you don't.
BUT, I'm most afraid of getting hurt and hurting others. I don't want
to break hearts and I don't want mine broken. A few weeks, months, or
years of "fun" is meaningless if it's just not going to work out. I
attempt to calculate this out beforehand, yet it seems like I'm going
to be heartbroken either way.

Maybe I'll give this a shot, and you'll be sure to hear about it if I
end up heartbroken. Or I could just stay single and not worry about
it. I'm pretty content this way. Though if I turn out to be the 40 yr
old virgin, please kill me.

Not that anyone cares, but feel free to follow me on Twitter @jam_jon.
I'll keep it much more light hearted. We can talk about nothing
together.

What your friendship means to me

If you're reading this, chances are pretty high that I know you
personally. Like 98% chance (though if you're a random visitor, please
leave a comment!). So I figured I'd shoot something that I intend to
be "short", but no guarantees!

There was a time when I had very few or no friends. People used to
pick on me often, I was very depressed, and had often contemplated
suicide. Thankfully, I never actually attempted. Really, I am who I am
today because I now have awesome friends.

Yeah, we may not talk often. Yeah, we may only hang out once a year.
But ya know what? We're still friends! Just know I really appreciate
everything you've done for me and I hope we continue to have good
times until the end.

That was really hard to write, but I feel better now.