One Gamer's Thoughts

I'm frustrated

2010-09-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

I got a promotion at work. That only took 3 years. It's temporary, but it'll be enough for now. With the promotion comes a lot of unnecessary pressure, I feel. See, I've been able to get away with just working in the back room for 3 years, but with this promotion I have to move beyond that. I have to work at the cash registers. That's scary! Not really, but there are a bunch of rules you have to remember and follow to the book or else you could get fired over a free panty. I've seen it happen. Not only that, but I have to be even more involved in some behind the scenes aspects. Payroll, backroom organization, walking associates out of the store... My manager has a great deal of faith in me. She's been attempting to "pass the torch" for awhile. She talks to me about store layout, marketing decisions, and a lot of technical jargon, but I just nod or agree politely. I have no idea what she's talking about sometimes! The big change will be that I'm directly above other backroom people. I have to manage them! At first I didn't think it would be an issue because I practically do it all the time, but a new hire has convinced me otherwise. I've tried to train her. I've tried to show her the best techniques. I've been keeping a smile on my face. She doesn't listen to me. Blatantly. It's starting to piss me off. I've been really trying to avoid the power trip that has happened to a lot of other associates with new found powers, but she will be the one to push me there.

Did I mention I might have to miss school again? Yeah, with this promotion comes a lot more hours to work. School might not be possible. Without a car, there's no way I can do it. I've already accepted the promotion. Can I really afford to miss another year of school? No, absolutely not. But it looks like I'll have to miss this semester. It really sucks, but my hands are actually tied at this point. Let's go over this one more time: Without a car, I can go to school to take this (dumb) required class on Tuesdays and Thursdays riding my bike. The problem with that is I have to miss a day of work. If I miss a day of work, I'm making less money. With less money, I can't save up more money. If I can't save money, I can't buy a car. If I do happen to get a car, yes I will be able to go to work on Tuesdays as well as go to school, but I will be making less with less hours. Since I won't be making much money, I'm in danger of not paying my share of the rent, my cell phone bill, my internet, and on top of that car insurance and gas money. I simply can't afford it at this time. The only alternative is to get a car before school starts and driving to another campus for Monday Wednesday classes. I'll try my best, but it isn't looking likely

Moving on to other things, still without a car. I did actually check out the car I mentioned in the previous entry. It's a 1990 Nissan Sentra with 200k miles on it. Yeah... Gave it a test drive and it performed pretty well though. The big issue was that the speedometer was not working. He wanted $1500 for it. No dice. The blue book value for that car in excellent condition is $1200. It was in excellent shape otherwise, but I'm not paying $1500 to buy a car, then spend what could possibly be another fortune to fix the speedometer. Hey, it could happen. I'm thinking of it as a last resort car, since it probably isn't going anywhere anytime soon. The search continues.

I'll top this all off with a bit of girl "drama". I really like her. Like, really, really like her. We worked together 2 years ago, and now she's back. She's awesome. I can't figure her out. That's normal. I was dumb yesterday and sent her a text message I probably shouldn't have. No response. Yeah, I could be done. I get to see her on Wednesday, maybe that clears some things up. I just don't know. I just want to give up. Hasn't happened yet, so it probably won't ever happen.

I'm being super emo about this, but I'm just really frustrated about everything. It's all downhill from here it seems. Let's hope not.

This blog post brought to you partially by Epic Win

2010-08-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

So, mini review time. There's this iPhone app called "Epic Win". The app is essentially a to do list. You write down what tasks to do for the day, week, month etc and do them. "That doesn't really sound epic", you're thinking. The brilliant catch is that you gain experience points and loot for your avatar. To advance in the "game" you have to do real world tasks. It's a to do list, motivation app! For me, this is is brilliant. As I have probably documented before, I'm extremely unmotivated. This app has motivated me more than anything else in years. I think that says something. I'm just in love with the concept, and I'm hoping I can actually do things with this "motivation". It's really bare bones at the moment, but the developers are committed to adding to it indefinitely and for $3 it's a win for me.

Now then, why am I bringing this up? Today, I have told Epic Win (and thus Epic Win told me) to complete my FAFSA application to get ready for school. I was excited to finally get back on track. I've been out of school and have really missed it, so this was the first step to getting back in. Of course, I knew the deadline had since passed, but my sister said it would be ok. I go to the website and it says the deadline has passed. This is discouraging. It would really help if I didn't have to pay that much for school. I have bills to pay and I still have to work really hard to get that money. If I have to pay for school, it'd be yet another setback. I tried to get that off of my mind. I figured I should see what classes I would be taking this semester.

I bring up the search for classes and get the worst news possible. The required class is only available on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Bad news. See, I have a pretty rigidly set schedule at work. As one of the main members of the stock team I have to work Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. These shifts are all 6am-2pm at least, but it never happens that way. On a regular day, we get something like 20-something hours of processing. Lets say 24 hours for the sake of this example. We are expected for all the shipment to get done before we all clock out. So if there's 3 people working (rare), we all would work 8 hours. That's a best case scenario. Things often get in the way. Someone inevitably needs someone to do an extra project, or jump on the cash registers, or take out the trash. With a 15 minute paid break and a 30 minute break without pay, I'd say, generally, that 1.5 hours are spent not doing shipment. That means what would take 8 hours has taken 9.5. It's already 3pm at that point, assuming the supervisor arrives on time (which never happens). Did I also mention that we get tired working these long shifts? So working on boxes takes longer. On a day like this we'd probably be out by 4pm. Now imagine if it were just 2 people working 24 hours worth of shipment, and an inexperienced 3rd member is called in halfway through. Yeah. This is normal.

My problem? By taking classes on a shipment day, I'm robbing myself of a huge amount of money. 12 hours in a day sounds horrible, but if you're only working 3 times a week, it's not so bad. If I have to cut my hours that means I can't afford school. I can't afford to live if I cut my hours. "Get a new job", you're thinking. No other job can offer me those kinds of hours. If they could, I'd be working there. I just love my job. I can't leave my coworkers, my boss. They're like my extended family. Plus, they can't do anything without me. Seriously. I was off for 3 days and I came back to a mess. My manager would probably outright refuse me.

Did I mention that I still don't have a car? Yeah, I missed my deadline. I feel like crap, but there seems to be a silver lining. My coworkers dad is selling a car. Woohoo! I have his phone number, so I'm going to call him... eventually. I'm just nervous. She says he's really intimidating, and I don't want to make a fool of myself. Epic Win can't help me here. Anyway, without a car it's that much harder to get to class. If I could take it online I would, but it's not available.

These kinds of things keep coming up and it's extremely discouraging. I'm 21 and still a freshman in college. My high school classmates are juniors and seniors. Some have already graduated! I'm being left behind and it's really depressing. At this point I don't know what to do. Can I really afford to sit out another semester? That's a rhetorical question. I already know the answer.

And I just gained 100 exp by writing this. Suckas!

Cats and psycho-analysis

2010-07-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

It's been about a month since the last entry, but who cares?! There are like 2 people reading this lol. I finally got the internet at my house and everything is back to "normal". I just have less and less motivation to do anything these days, blogging included. That and I kinda have a short attention span. It has taken me 30 min just to get this far thanks to numerous distractions.Also, you'd think typing on a keyboard would be better than being restricted on an iPhone, but it does everything for you! I'm truly spoiled now with contractions and capitalization because the wonder phone did it all for me. Now I have to do it manually. Lame. On with the show!

A few updates: I'm no longer talking to my dad. He's a complete failure in my eyes. Even had to block him on Facebook. I think the day he apologizes will also be the day I go bang a prostitute; it's just not going to happen. Moving on.

As far as drinking goes, I think it's bad for me, but I'm giving it one final shot (no pun intended) this next outing. If I can finally let loose and just have fun... The blonde one says cognitive behavioral therapy could really help me out. I think we're really similar, but more on that in a bit. In any case, alcohol seems to be a depressant in the truest sense of the word, but after I get some things worked out I should be ok.

Still without a car, but that should be ironed out within the month. If not I'm going MIA.

So I'm working with the blonde one and we're talking about how I don't like to go home. The fact is I'd rather not be at home because there's nothing to do there.I'd rather be at work, working for free, than staying at home in my own misery. "Maybe you should get a pet?", she asks. I've never really had a pet before, aside from some fish. My little sister had a hamster for a few years, and my older sister attempted to take in a stray cat before completely neglecting it later, but they were never my pets. "Maybe," I respond, entertaining the idea. "What kind of pet would you have?", she asks curiously. I respond with little thought, "Probably a cat. They're low maintenance and come around when they want to". "Oh, Jamaal", she responds with a smirk. "I've learned so much about you from just that one sentence". "Really?", I respond. I ask her to elaborate. "You like to love things that don't love you back!" Now, excuse me for my language, but I wasn't wearing a condom and she completely fucked my mind!

It made too much sense to me. As I explained, I like the thrill of the "hunt". I flirt a lot and it's almost unintentional. It's all fun and games, right? Girls do it too! The problem I have is that I end up falling for some of them. It seems as though I like it that way. As much as I've gone on and on about wanting a relationship, being "the friend" is a way that I can stick around and make flirtatious comments. Generally, it's the flirts that I like to hang around. I give them a few compliments and they jokingly give me some (or put me down, as the case may be). I smile, she smiles, we move on. It's just fun to me! I'm currently carrying this out this procedure with the new girls at work, and I've never had so much fun. On the other hand, when I find out some girls have genuine interest in me, I back off. It's quite confusing

Interestingly, I think she might have made a jab at our relationship. Aside from a drunken outing, in which I was playing with her the whole time, I've never told her how I've felt about her. However, actions speak louder than words. Even though I try to pass it off as playful flirting and nothing more, pretty much the whole store knows what's up. If that's the case, she knows how I feel, acknowledged it right then and there, and basically said "It's not going to happen, but you'll love me anyways". She's not wrong. Is that a problem?

Similarly, the other girl I've been crushing on explained to me that I'm only hurting myself. She's not wrong either. I'm completely ignoring my feelings in favor of the others. I don't want to ruin things, but the more I indulge in this activity, the more I'm ruining it for myself. But what's the rush? It's been constantly explained to me that "the one" will come to me when I don't expect it, I deserve better, etc. I'm not looking for anything right now, but if this keeps up there may never be anything, and that's scary.

I don't know how to change. There isn't a happy medium. I think I went around in circles. I just wanted to get that out there.

My dad

2010-06-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

There hasn't been much going on in my life lately, do I haven't had
much to write about. My "audience" should understand. The only thing I
was kicking around in my head was some blog post about my dad.

See, I only live with my mom now. My dad may or may not even be living
at the same place anymore. I haven't talked to him in person for a
month or so. He only sends text messages when he wants something or
has something to announce (like his phone is about to be cut off, or
that it has cut back on). Despite that, I've been starting to miss
having him around. He's quick to make bad jokes, or comment on
something that happened somewhere I. The world, but he otherwise
stayed to himself. It was odd, then, when he started sending messages
saying how much he loves us (me and my sisters), and how he misses us.
Mind you, he would never say that in person. The last time I had
substanstial physical contact with him was when I graduated from
highschool and he gave me a big hug. Lately, he's been extremely
irresponsible and frequently MIA, so I haven't gotten the chance to
really talk to him.

I miss my dad.

Well, that was before he updated his facebook status today (never make
my mistake and add even one of your parents on facebook). The new year
"has brought new blessings," he says. However, "it was clear that some
things had to he removed to bring about these new blessings".

...

What? You mean you had to remove your wife and family from a house
that you haven't contributed to in years? You had to remove having to
pay for electricity, gas and water to live comfortably? And yet you
still can barely pay your cell phone bill, you have to hide your car
from the repo men so you can pay later, and there has not been one
word of apology for ruining my life, my sisters lives, and most
importantly, my moms life!

What is there to miss, good sir, when you could have kept everything
if you really meant to provide for the family? As far as I'm
concerned, you had to remove your self respect and integrity to even
continue living with yourself. What man leaves his wife for some
bimbo, comes back 4 years later, provides for 10 years, and decides to
just stop and instead go out all night and smoke cigars? Midlife
crisis, maybe, but that is no indication of a man to me. Precisely the
reason I don't even want to think of getting married because I'm
scared to death of turning into my dad.

And yet, I still miss my dad.

A blessing and a curse

2010-05-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

For a long time I decides that I would never begin consuming alcohol.
What was the point, I wondered. Surely you didn't need wonder tonic to
have a good time, right? This was before I turned 21.

Thus far, I have went drinking with friends about 7 times. The first
few times were for funsies. I had never drank anything before and I
wanted to know what it was like. I was convinced that after my
birthday, I would be done with drinking altogether. I would have been
there. I would have done that. Got the tshirt and the hat, right? Not
so.

I blame becoming a bit smitten with a coworker of mine. On the second
night of my birthday celebrations, I decided to go clubbing. I was
gonna go that once and never again. Unfortunately, not many people
came with me that night. It was just me, a gay coworker who is
crushing on me (the fact that I'm straight drives him even more), and
two female coworkers. One that was kinda the punk rocker type, one
that was a hot blonde. If it did end up with just me, gay guy, and
punk rocker, I'm convinced I never would have went clubbing ever
again. It was the hot blonde who changed my mind.

The hot blonde could dance. Amazingly well. The way she could move her
body was mesmerizing. She was always quiet and reserved at work. To
see her on the dance floor like that blew my mind. She owned the dance
floor that night.

... What was I talking about again? Right, the drinking thing. It was
the 3rd time I had ever really danced in my adult life at the time,
and it was extremely awkward and stiff. Until I got a few drinks in my
system. I got loose, I was moving all over the place, flailing wildly
without a care in the world. When I wasn't dancing, I was watching her
and the rest of the club dance. To them it seemed effortless. I was
envious. I wanted to get like them at some point. I can't.

Without alcohol, I'm quiet, shy, reserved and introverted. With
alcohol, I'm loud, out there, extroverted, confident and flirtatious.
I kinda like it the latter way. Herein lies the problem. I can't be
tipsy me all the time. I would love to lose myself and take risks all
the time, but subconscious barriers I have erected over the course of
my 21 years prevent that. Alcohol is my key to get rid of those
barriers. It seems that way at least.

At the same time, I despise tipsy Jamaal. I'm drinking for one, which
I thought I would never have to resort to. I do things I would never
even consider when sober. I'm obviously making a fool of myself, but I
can't be bothered to care. I become so flirtatious that I end up
embarassing myself, so much so that I want to pretend the last time I
went drinking never happened. Then there's the stumbling, the slurred
speech, etc.

At this point I'm at a loss for what to do. Without alcohol I'm a
loser. With alcohol I'm a loser. I can't win. I want to be like the
hot blonde, but my self restrictions keep me from being able to do so.
She does it all without alcohol. I want to be the same.

I think I'm afraid of commitment

2010-05-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

Twice. That's twice this year I've had to turn down girls who were
into me. I think there are a few reasons for this

1) I've never really had a girlfriend. This probably has something to
do with the fact that I kinda don't care. Sure, it's obvious when I
like a girl (apparently I do all the typical elementary level things
short of writing, "do u like me?" on an note), but I've never put "the
moves" on a girl. So when a girl tries to put the moves on me, I don't
know how to react. Typical me would flirt back, playfully. Once I know
things are getting serious, I clam up. Though this rarely happens
because I'm...

2) Super dense. I really can't read people when it comes to flirting.
Flirting, to me, is a game. A game that subconciously erects
boundaries so that I don't win. In other words, I'm always protecting
myself. Bad line? "Just kidding". Dirty line? *Laughter*. Every once
in a while, however, I start winning this game and it's usually
unbeknownst to me. I really wouldn't know what to do. In all honesty,
you'd have to tell me how you feel if you want me to take you seriously.

And that's what happened. Twice. I pretty much had to turn them down
after much thought. But should I be thinking? At 21 years of age,
perhaps I should live a little. Have some fun, have new experiences,
ya know, that sort of thing. I am completely reluctant to do so!

I think it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. I want a relationship
with a girl where we really click. I'm her type and she's mine. We get
each other. We can spend time talking about nothing forever. We're
really good friends... That sort of thing. So when these opportunities
come from out of left field, I reject them. They are not the droids
I'm looking for (just popped in my head, go with it). There's nothing
wrong with them. They're beautiful in their own ways, just not my
type. But do they have to be?

Hence the title: I think I'm afraid of commitment. On a basic level, I
feel as though there doesn't need to be "types" or pre-defined
"destined" relationships. You either like each other or you don't.
BUT, I'm most afraid of getting hurt and hurting others. I don't want
to break hearts and I don't want mine broken. A few weeks, months, or
years of "fun" is meaningless if it's just not going to work out. I
attempt to calculate this out beforehand, yet it seems like I'm going
to be heartbroken either way.

Maybe I'll give this a shot, and you'll be sure to hear about it if I
end up heartbroken. Or I could just stay single and not worry about
it. I'm pretty content this way. Though if I turn out to be the 40 yr
old virgin, please kill me.

Not that anyone cares, but feel free to follow me on Twitter @jam_jon.
I'll keep it much more light hearted. We can talk about nothing
together.

What your friendship means to me

2010-05-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this, chances are pretty high that I know you
personally. Like 98% chance (though if you're a random visitor, please
leave a comment!). So I figured I'd shoot something that I intend to
be "short", but no guarantees!

There was a time when I had very few or no friends. People used to
pick on me often, I was very depressed, and had often contemplated
suicide. Thankfully, I never actually attempted. Really, I am who I am
today because I now have awesome friends.

Yeah, we may not talk often. Yeah, we may only hang out once a year.
But ya know what? We're still friends! Just know I really appreciate
everything you've done for me and I hope we continue to have good
times until the end.

That was really hard to write, but I feel better now.

Prom 07

2010-05-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't even mention prom in the last entry, so I guess I'll go over
it here.

I basically didn't have to pay for anything for prom. My best friends
really wanted me to go, but I didn't have any money, nor did my
parents. So my best friend used her voucher on me at the last minute.
It meant so much to me at the time! I was going to prom and it was
going to be awesome! Even though she paid for me, she wasn't my date,
however. It didn't bother me at the time. I specifically wanted to go
to prom with this one girl, but I guess I was too slow because she
went with the salutatorian. She even promised me a dance, but that
didn't happen! We're still cool today. I really liked that girl, but
we could never date due to cultural differences. So I can at least be
her good friend, right? This will be a running theme in my life.

So yeah, prom night. We all meet up at the ringleaders house to take
pictures and stuff. A few of those pictures are on my facebook page.
We were having such a good time and didn't realize that we were
running late! Not for prom, but for dinner. So we head out for this
restaurant downtown. Aaaand we manage to get lost. Really lost. So
lost that we ended up at a McDonald's to ask some cop for directions.
That was easily one of the most embarassing moments of my life! Think
about it: the guys all tuxed up. The girls all in extravagant dresses
and with fabulous hair. In a McDonald's. Yeah... Despite this, we
managed to get lost again! So we all decided to skip dinner and just
go to prom. Oh and did I mention that one of the couples was bickering
the entire time? Best night ever.

We finally arrive and for a good while no one in our crew was dancing.
Just watching other people dance... Fun. One by one they started to
get up and dance. Me? I was consoling my friend half the night who was
one part of the arguing couple. Eventually I got up and danced a bit
("dancing" being a loose term because I never know WTF I'm doing), but
as soon as that slow song came on I had to exit. I had no one to share
that "intimate" moment with. I spent that down time eating and taking
pictures. Pictures that are still sitting in a disposable camera in my
room. Hopefully I'll get them developed some time soon! Let's pray
that they even come out.

So prom ended and we all headed to the hotel room for a little bit of
an after party. Well, not me, since I didn't have a car and my ride
was waiting outside. She said she would hang around for another hour
or so, but I opted to leave almost as soon was possible. Loved my
friends to death, but I kinda feared what was gonna go on in that
room. Yup, I was lame, and if I were presented with a similar
situation today I would still be lame. My suspicions turned out to be
correct I would later find out. Nothing super sketchy, but it eould be
the basis that would end a friendship a month later. I don't know if I
ever want to get into that, but I will say that if what transpired was
the basis to end our friendship, we weren't very good friends in the
first place. I really care for her and still want to be her friend,
but she'd rather not have anything to do with me.

If you haven't gathered by now: Prom was awful. It was not worth it
and I will not be telling my theoretical children to go to prom and
waste hundreds of dollars. Well, I'd probably be the one wasting
money... Anyway, I'm sure there are those that went to prom and had a
magical experience, but I was not one of them. Prom is overrated.

Senior year and 2007

2010-05-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

I'm kicking off forthcoming blog entries to give a little background of what I am today. A little recap is in order. It has been 4 years after all. I'll try to keep it short and simple.

What I remember of senior year in highschool was pretty great. For once I was excelling in all my classes. Not because I had started buckling down and studying, but because everything was so easy. Junior year was pretty terrible for me academically, so I had hoped senior year would turn it all around. We all know it doesn't work that way, but humor 17 yr old me. The biggest difference was that I was taking all advanced classes aside from 2 honors classes: English and Computer Graphics and Animation. The latter was the last of my Computer academy classes and it was almost impossible to fail. English, however, was a different story.

See, I had initially started out with all advanced classes except for the aforementioned academy class. It was TOO easy. So easy I thought My brain would slowly start to rot due to all the non action. So I bumped up to honors. Not my best decision. The teacher, Ms Savage, was a pain to deal with. She stuck to the curriculum and taught as though she was reading a list. She would ask questions and we gave few responses. Not because the questions were hard, mind you. It was because no one liked her. We all longed to be apart of Dr Street's class! They were actually learning things with an interesting teacher! I can't think of anything I've retained from that class other than a stupid old English poem that remains burned in my memory (that I just recited to myself to be sure I did in fact retain this stupid knowledge). In the end, there were a few bumps, but I made it out ok.

Initially, graduation hit me pretty hard. I really thought that point marked the end of my social life. All of the awesome friends I had gathered were going there separate ways. I was convinced that I'd never see any of them again. Boy, was I wrong. Sure, it was inevitable that I'd certainly never see a large percentage of them again, but I remain acquaintances with all of my closest highschool friends. "Acquaintances" being the key word. I think I'll go deeper into that topic in another entry one day.

Summer was great, but college awaited us. Kinda. I only managed to take two classes that semester and they remain the only college classes I have taken. I'll go into detail the next entry I suppose. Thus one is running a bit long despite promises of the contrary. Anyway, with my abundance of free time I needed a job, but I had a really hard time finding one. Luckily my sister told me that there was this store who needed help moving to another location and they needed some extra help. Desparate, I signed up. They told me that if I worked well enough I could stay. Aaaaand that's how I got my start at Victoria's Secret. As of this entry I'm still working there. Who knows for how much longer.

That's about it. Hopefully my terrible writing didn't mangle what I was trying to say. That being: "Stuff happened"

Don't call it a comeback

2010-05-13T20:25:00.001-07:00

After 4 years or so, I've decided to give this a go again. Why now?
I've been inspired by a good friend of mine, who also reminded me how
much I like to write. I gave this blog a perusal for the first time
and years and I was amazed. 17 year old me could write pretty well!
Unfortunately I've been out of school for about 3 years now and my
writing prowess (if you could call it that) seems to have left me. For
example, I can't think of a proper way to end this paragraph! I miss
my "talent" if you can call it that. Funny, writing was one of the few
things I could do marginally well, and yet my grades in English were
mediocre at best.

So what can you expect here? The same kind of things that I was
posting before! Ya know, my nonexistent love life, gaming opinions,
and just general random thoughts. I did have some political blog
entries in the past, though I doubt I'll be posting more of that. I'm
just too uninformed to say anything relevant or logical these days.
Especially without a tv or Internet connection. My iPhone seems to be
my saving grace in that regard. There are an abundance of apps to use
to follow news, and they were completely ignored until today.

I just downloaded the NYTimes and The Onion app, and they both seem to
be satisfying my curious itch. Though one is obviously scratching my
sarcastic side. Mini review: they're both alright if a bit plain and
simple. I generally like the cool, sleek look of most apps, but these
are the total opposite. Though I should probably just lower my
expectations since it is just news. They're both getting the job done
and I hope to get much use out of them.

Back to the meat of this entry. I've had a lot of ideas swilring
around in my head about what is should post about in the future.
Things like what I've been up to these past 4 years, what games I've
been playing, work and hopefully school. The goal is for this to be an
outlet to relieve stress and generally inform those who are curious
enough to read my ramblings. Though if I talk to you regularly you
probably already know most of what I'll be posting here. Did I mention
I was posting this from my iPhone? Yeah, future entries for the time
being rely on how much I want to deal with poking at a screen for
extended periods of time (I've already spent about 15 minutes on this
entry). Thankfully it's not as bad as I thought it would be, thanks in
huge part to the auto correction and my own boredom.

So, yeah. I have plans for this thing. None of them guaranteed. I'll
catch whoever is reading this thing later

Random thought

2006-02-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

After watching the Super Bowl whilst attempting to do my homework (attempting is the word!), I just thought to myself "Wow, I actually have wonderful friends who care about me". This is a real accomplishment for me, because it has taken me so long to acknowledge it. People who look out for me, people who comfort me, people who would cry for me... it was once something I believed wasn't possible at one point, but it's all coming together now.

Last Friday, I had a delightful conversation with a friend of mine on AIM. It made me realize the importance of just talking with others for venting purposes, not to mention how fun it is to interact with others (something I don't do often). She really is a sweet person, and at times its really hard to believe that she is 3rd in our class, but she always has time to help someone out. The time she spent talking to me really meant a lot, since it helped me to address some things about myself. Thanks sooooo much, you know who you are! Even though the convo was a day before my Bday, it was the best present I have ever recieved. You are truly appreciated

And with that said, I'm off to be lazy and stuff.

State of the Union

2006-01-31T19:09:00.000-08:00

Whilst viewing the State of the Union Address, I had many conflicting thoughts swirling through my head. My ignorance was not helped due to the abundance of information flying toward me, but I managed to keep a somewhat straight face while the President did what he did best....

I'll leave that part up to you. I felt as though many things were being re-iterated with more emphasis this time around. We get that Iraq is on their way to being a democratic nation. We get that terrorists are "evil" people. We get that we as Americans constantly strive for freedom. What I feel that Bush doesn't get, however, is that this war will never end if we keep up this optimistic "We're winning" attitude. When one looks at the situation realistically, one can see that people like Bin Laden will not simply cease and desist because big America asked nicely. Bin Laden is fighting on a purely religious level, and persuasion will not likely work. Bin Laden will be here to fight us for many years to come unfortunately, so just strap into your seatbelts. This war will be a very bumpy ride

However, not everything is bad. I liked the new plan as far as supporting research towards finding better fuel resources. Oil prices are constantly going up, and while they may decrease shortly, over a few more years the price will steadily rise again due to the lack of fossil fuels. Electric, hydrogen, hell even solar powered cars are probably the safest bet towards a cleaner and less oil dependant earth.

And I admire Bush's new plan to raise education standards, since we are the dumbest country on the planet. Math and Science improvement is always a good thing though.

Overall, I have a newfound respect for Bush, but its only a matter of time before he screws up again. On a final note, was anyone else suprised at the lack of new words that Bush created?

Women...

2006-01-28T16:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I fear for the male population of the world. Women are crazy.

You know its true.

Although for all intents and purposes, women are an entertaining and fun bunch.

A couple of weeks ago (yeah, I haven't updated in a... oops) after a school evacuation due to a mercury spill (second time its happened at our school... in a row), I was "schooled" about the facts of life. Dating, nice guys(I'm a proud one, just for your info), what women look for, I got the works. Some of the info wasn't too new for me, but I feel I learned a lot from my female friends who schooled me, as well as learning more about their personality in general.

Then just yesterday, some new girl in my study hall just sat down and started talking to me and my friend while we were both playing chess (sounds nerdy, but my friend is far from being a nerd... not so much for myself). My friend definiteky had an ulterior motive, but I was just playing along as she asked question after question... and did she ask questions! I thought I was being interrogated after being found at the scene of some crime. "Are you going out with someone?", "Are you a virgin?", "Do you have any children?", "Do you want to go to college?"

Honestly, I felt a bit violated, but it was fun at the same time since I usually listen instead of speak. After all of these questions passed, I had to wonder if this is what it really took to get a significant other. I'm not entirely sure what I meant by that statement, since I already know the answer, but I'm just not getting something. I guess its just that teenage naivity.

In any case, I'm very excited for the coming weeks. My birthday is next week, and Valentines Day is the week after. Hopefully, I will have $100 to spend on women for V-Day. Why? Just because I can, and I figure its nice to instill hope into those women without a significant person in their life. Also, gift giving is just one way to express how I appreciate the women in my life, for positive or negative impact. That and I'm just generous in general. Does that make me crazy?

BBC NEWS | Middle East | Text: 'Bin-Laden tape'

2006-01-19T18:15:00.000-08:00

BBC NEWS | Middle East | Text: 'Bin-Laden tape'

For some reason, I feel a newfound respect of Bin Laden. Don't get me wrong: Bin Laden is a horrible, horrible person, but after reading said speech, its good to see that he isn't a complete maniac. Perhaps it just comes with age. I was in 7th grade when the Sept 11 attacks occured, and to this day I really don't understand the true and full significance of the event. The way Bin Laden speaks is very influential and seems calm, despite his obvious rage towards the US government. One person on a message board I frequent even said that his way of speaking almost made him seem like the good guy.

Nonetheless, this just has to stop. Unfortunately, violence is just a way of progression in this world, but this war has barely led to any kind of progression. We are fighting a losing battle in many ways. I'm all for supporting the troops, my best friends father is fighting in the war, and God forbid if anything did happen to him. Supporting the troops to me also means insuring their safety and the only way to do that is to pull out immediately. Even Bin Laden opted for a truce situation, but I guess Bush's pride isn't gonna let that happen.

Enough is enough. Let this end...

Tears

2006-01-17T19:07:00.000-08:00

She's crying. Her face is flush, her makeup now a disaster, and she can't stop. I walk over and try to find out what is the matter, but to no avail. She's crying...

Am I the only one who just stops in utter fear when I see a woman crying? Its almost unbearable to me. That person who was always bubbling over with personality, always laughing and smiling and then bam,. Its just a depressing situation.

It breaks my heart to see a woman in such a distress...

Please, don't cry...

Peace?

2006-01-16T16:20:00.000-08:00

My older sister had left, its been raining all day, I've been sitting on my ass for 7 hours.

Perfect. Peaceful. Relaxing.

I haven't done a damn thing this 3 day weekend, yet, I have 3 papers I have to write. Procrastination is such an evil process. A continuing cycle, if you will. Sure, perhaps the job gets done, but after much procrastination, it just gets pushed back farther and farther and farther....

Then you realize that your life has been reduced to nothing but staring at the TV with a pack of cheetos by your side as you struggle to reach the remote on the other side of the couch.

Pathetic. Yet, if this vicious cycle of procrastination continues, I fear that is how I will end up...

The Ladder Theory

2006-01-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

The Ladder Theory

Ahhh, never have true words been spoken in such a well thought (even though satirical) article/theory. This thing basically describes my love life in a nutshell.

Basically, the theory states that love is based on a priority scale, represented by a ladder. In the male ladder, the higher up a woman on a ladder, the more said male wants to sleep with the woman. Although, I myself would rather change the wording (hell, I haven't even had a g/f yet, why would I be in such a rush for sex?), I feel its dead on.

Women, however, have 2 ladders: The ladder mentioned above, and the friends ladder. So very, very true. Beneath the ladder is an abyss, which represents how the relationship dissolves due to no more attachment. A friend may jump off of the friends ladder to the regular ladder, but if rejected, the former friend will fall into the abyss.

A funny and rather true article. Makes you wonder how high up on either ladder you're on with friends of the opposite sex.

When will it end?

2006-01-13T23:05:00.000-08:00

What first started as a joke became a serious matter to me a few days ago. My white friend mad a what seemed like a racist remark. Had we not been the best of friends, I'm pretty sure she would have gotten punched at that moment.

Racism gets you nowhere. In the end, if you are classified as a human being, there are no differences between us. Racism is a very cheap way to claim superiority. People like Dr. King died to end this cruel practice, and its a shame that it's still around. To make a long story short

Racism is bad, M'kay.

Scum of the internet.

2006-01-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

eBaum's World - Home - Latest news and updates here. - Funny movies, flash cartoons, funny pictures, jokes, prank phone calls and more.

If you're reading this, more than likely you have either seen or heard of ebaumsworld.com. What you may not know, however, is that eBaum, or Eric Bauman is a lying, stealing piece of crap. From movies, to news articles, to games, if its popular, Eric steals it and posts it on ebaumsworld.com. No permission or anything, he just steals it. We have all done our share of stealing in the past, but not only does Bauman steal, he gets rich off of other people's work. That is just unacceptable

Ebaumsworld.com was recently under attack by several websites and message board systems and Bauman thinks he can pass himself off as the good guy. Bauman mentions that the website was involved in a Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) attack, excessive spamming of their chatrooms and forums, and hacking into administrative accounts. Let it be known that he did steal the content in question, plus, he done some of the very same things to other websites, which is illegal! Despite the fact that e-nnoyance is now illegal, Eric Bauman deserved every bit of these "attacks".

Do not believe a word this this "man" says, ebaumsworld sucks and is the scum of the internet. Please spread the word and hopefully we can get this bastard's website shut down and Eric Bauman in jail.

What a day...

2006-01-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

As one who has not been a relationship before, hearing close friends say "I love you" to me still confuses me like hell. Sometimes, it can be so damn hard to figure out what they are really trying to say. Many times, it can be obvious when they are playing. This usually comes into effect when he/she has done something wrong, but the utterance of those 3 magical words acts as an apology and everything is better (most of the time!). However, there are those times that when they say it, it almost sounds so certain, almost like they wanted it to put it out there in a not so subtle way. These meanings can be interpreted as "Yes, I care for you", or.. simply, "I love you"!

So, after going through one of these situations myself yet again, I am confused. I, however, know that I indeed love her.

Does she truly love me?

Hideo Kojima

2006-01-09T09:16:00.000-08:00

KOJIMA PRODUCTIONS - HIDEOBLOG English

Gamer or not, one cannot deny the influence that Hideo Kojima has had on this generation. Did you just see that comercial of the new James Bond game? Hideo Kojima. Splinter Cell? Hideo Kojima. Although Kojima-san did not produce or direct either game, it is because of his influence that these game exist.

With the release of Metal Gear Solid foe the PS1 in 1998, the way games were made were changed forever. This pivitol release resulted in greater emphasis in storytelling, graphics, sound and basic overall production values. Metal Gear Solid featured a Hollywood style cast, featuring David Hayter as the lead role: Solid Snake. No more would gamers have to suffer through horrible voice acting in video games (although it still happens, though these games hardly garner the same amount of attention as bigger releases), as Hayter superbly voiced a character who is now a video game icon. More importantly: The game was fun. Metal Gear Solid set a new standard for the Action/Stealth genre and it continues to set the new standard with its new releases.

However, after the iminent release of Metal Gear Solid 4, Kojima will no longer be at the reins of the legendary franchise. Some fans would see this as a dissapointment, but I embrace this change, for it will only give this legendary developer a chance to broaden his horizons and undoubtedly become an even better game designer.

2006-01-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

Official Web Site of Richard Pryor, Comedy Legend

Indeed a comedic legend. When I first knew of his death, all I could say is that we have lost another man of our time. Just another man of our time.

What an understatement

Being 16 years young, I was not even around to see any Richard Pryor performances in my life until just recently. Pryor is a comedic genius in every sense of the word. He has pioneered stand up comedy to levels no one would have ever thought of. One of the first to acknowledge his flaws and make fun of them. He tried to make it a point that he was indeed nowhere near perfect and it always showed. An average comedian would be safe and keep the standard type of jokes (I love NY city!, Ever notice..., add nauseum), but not Pryor. Never content with just being the best, he tried to top himself countless times. He is without a doubt the best comedian of his time.

So if you haven't shed a tear for the dearly departed Richard Pryor, please do so now. He may be gone, but not forgotten and his legend will live on for all time.

Richard Pryor
1940-2005

2006-01-07T12:59:00.000-08:00

So I got "tagged". Go me. I have to answer some questions now.

Four jobs I've had:

Tch, despite my willing to get a job, I've never had a job that payed money before! Gasp! But for the sake of this message, I'll put minor jobs that I've had by the ultimate employers: My parents

1) Garbage Taker-outer
Involved... taking out the trash. Very messy stuff, and the pay was horrible (because I'm still not getting payed to this day!)

2) Lawn management
Includes all, but not limited to: Mowing the lawn/backyard, sweeping and raking leaves, and keeping the yard clean(as in keeping trash off the lawn). Eventually, I expect to have to take the reins of the "weed wacker" as I call it (ya know those things that you hold with one arm and you give an extra trimming to grass and stuff... yeah), but hopefully that won't be for a long time

3) Babysitting
Ugh, definitely the worst job. I swear, some of my cousins must be the spawn of Satan himself!!

4) Resident Gamer
Ok, so my parents didn't give me this job. But I am expected to know about newfangled technology and stuff. Otherwise, I am a walking encyclopedia of Video game history. If it was a major video game, I could tell you what year it came out on, the developer/publisher/director, and the impact it had on the gaming industry. Try me.

Four movies you'd watch over and over again

1) Peter Jackson's King Kong
Being at the tender age of 16, I'm nowhere near old enough to even think about watching the original (although, its on my to-do list now), but Peter Jackson's vision definitely hit the mark. My definition of classic. Great story telling (although it starts off slow), superb action sequences, and scenes that tug on those heart strings. A movie no one should miss out on

2) Forrest Gump
I first watched this movie when I was 6 or so, and only 10+ years later do I actually get the refrences the movie was making! Allusions to the KKK, Rosa Parks, JFK, Watergate and even AIDS! I never get tired of this movie!

3) Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Some of you might have that wtf look on your face, but I just love this movie. This is the only place (to my knowledge) to see Disney and Warner Bros. characters coexisting in peace! And its so funny! After watching it recently for the first time in years, not only did that nostalgic come creeping up on me, but I noticed that the movie had so many adult refrences and situations (the "Patty Cake" refrence blew my mind!), its a wonder it got a PG rating!

4) Lion King
Classic. Just a classic. Superb animation, a touching story and memorable songs. I love it

Four places I have lived

1) Los Angeles, California
The place of my birth. Its such a unique city

2-4) Various places just outside of Houston
Since I was 4 I've been living in Houston, for better or worse

Four TV shows I watch

1)House (this has to be one of the best risks Fox has ever taken, and they have taken plenty)
2)Everybody Hates Chris
3)Attack of the Show
4)Various cartoons/anime (it comes with the nerd territory lol)

Four websites I visit daily
1) IGN Boards
Not exactly its own website, but I love the community and I post there very often
2) Gamespot
Where I go to see current gaming news and reviews
3)Gmail
Again, not an actual website, but damn is it the best email dealy ever! If you want an invite don't hesitate to ask. I have 100 of them
4) I don't really have a 4th XD

Four of my favorite foods
1)Hamburgers
2)Pizza (just got done eating some)
3)Fried chicken
4)Ramen Noodles (can't live without 'em)
One would think that I would be as big as a house with these favs, but I'm quite the opposite, besides a somewhat flabby belly.

Four places I would rather be right now
Well, its Saturday and being a teenager just isn't right without having homework, so I'd rather just stay home today and finish homework up (pft, yeah, right)

Four blogs I am tagging.
Uhh... any blogger that passes by is encouraged :)

2006-01-06T14:02:00.000-08:00

So there's this girl I know and we are really close. We have known each other for 2 years when I suddenly realizing that yes, I was starting to fall for her. The curse of male and female friendships. The idea, however, was quickly shot out of my head without a second thought. My thoughts raced with urgency at the moment thinking, "Dude! She's your best friend! You can not let this happen" I took my own advice and moved on. Time passes and the feeling springs up again. A feeling of almost dire magnitude. Something had to be done. With a bit of brainstorming, I figured out the perfect way to finally eradicate the unshakable feeling: Simply tell her how I felt. After about 2 hours, my master plan had been completed.... in card form. Inside contained a poem(the first poem that didn't totally suck) and it was decorated Christmas style (since it was... ya know... Christmas) and gave it to her. Her response: "I already knew"

*Sniffs* Ahh... these words have a distinct smell to them, quite familiar as well. Her words smelled of that magical thing known as Rejection. I almost felt relieved, actually. To think, if we actually hooked up the possibility of a bad break-up would have been too much for me. Not only would I have lost my best friend, but all of my other good female friends as well, not to mention the dreaded awkwardness. Fortunately, its almost as if it never happened. We talk like normal and stuff and maybe we are better friends from the experience. However, I feel as if rather than addressing the matter, she completely pushed it aside. Are all women like this? The reality of it is that it did happen and maybe one day, the issue will not be so easy to put to the side.

Well, despite the last paragraph being almost an attack, I want to dedicate this post to said girl. She knows who she is, hell, she is probably reading this right now. Well, this is for you babe, the only woman I have ever truly loved.

2006-01-05T19:11:00.000-08:00

Are Men More Shallow Than Women?

Well, I figured as one of my first blog posts, I would go on a rant on how women are so shallow. When I stated this opinion as fact to my female friends, I was met with evil stares with eyes that pierced my very soul itself. My twisted logic came to this conclusion after personally being turned down twice in my teenage life, verbally told several times that I am indeed ugly, and have frequently heard sounds of disgust and laughter when women voiced their opinion of me. Besides the seering pain in my heart, it didn't take me long to think to myself, "Self, these women sure are shallow. They are only looking at your face, but not your sweet nature, generosity, or that marvelous sense of mercy that you bestow upon them by not bringing out the 39 and capping all of their asses!"

Women aren't shallow!! Women, apparently aren't as shallow as I thought, but men are much more shallow than women. Women, according to this article, look for what they can get and change the things that could be better. Men on the other hand, apparently just want some T&A.

However, after reading said article, my opinion swayed a tad. Teenage women are shallow!! Of course! It's all coming together...

2006-01-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

So I figured I would start a blog here. Yay. I hope I'll enjoy my stay