A blessing and a curse

For a long time I decides that I would never begin consuming alcohol.
What was the point, I wondered. Surely you didn't need wonder tonic to
have a good time, right? This was before I turned 21.

Thus far, I have went drinking with friends about 7 times. The first
few times were for funsies. I had never drank anything before and I
wanted to know what it was like. I was convinced that after my
birthday, I would be done with drinking altogether. I would have been
there. I would have done that. Got the tshirt and the hat, right? Not
so.

I blame becoming a bit smitten with a coworker of mine. On the second
night of my birthday celebrations, I decided to go clubbing. I was
gonna go that once and never again. Unfortunately, not many people
came with me that night. It was just me, a gay coworker who is
crushing on me (the fact that I'm straight drives him even more), and
two female coworkers. One that was kinda the punk rocker type, one
that was a hot blonde. If it did end up with just me, gay guy, and
punk rocker, I'm convinced I never would have went clubbing ever
again. It was the hot blonde who changed my mind.

The hot blonde could dance. Amazingly well. The way she could move her
body was mesmerizing. She was always quiet and reserved at work. To
see her on the dance floor like that blew my mind. She owned the dance
floor that night.

... What was I talking about again? Right, the drinking thing. It was
the 3rd time I had ever really danced in my adult life at the time,
and it was extremely awkward and stiff. Until I got a few drinks in my
system. I got loose, I was moving all over the place, flailing wildly
without a care in the world. When I wasn't dancing, I was watching her
and the rest of the club dance. To them it seemed effortless. I was
envious. I wanted to get like them at some point. I can't.

Without alcohol, I'm quiet, shy, reserved and introverted. With
alcohol, I'm loud, out there, extroverted, confident and flirtatious.
I kinda like it the latter way. Herein lies the problem. I can't be
tipsy me all the time. I would love to lose myself and take risks all
the time, but subconscious barriers I have erected over the course of
my 21 years prevent that. Alcohol is my key to get rid of those
barriers. It seems that way at least.

At the same time, I despise tipsy Jamaal. I'm drinking for one, which
I thought I would never have to resort to. I do things I would never
even consider when sober. I'm obviously making a fool of myself, but I
can't be bothered to care. I become so flirtatious that I end up
embarassing myself, so much so that I want to pretend the last time I
went drinking never happened. Then there's the stumbling, the slurred
speech, etc.

At this point I'm at a loss for what to do. Without alcohol I'm a
loser. With alcohol I'm a loser. I can't win. I want to be like the
hot blonde, but my self restrictions keep me from being able to do so.
She does it all without alcohol. I want to be the same.

I think I'm afraid of commitment

Twice. That's twice this year I've had to turn down girls who were
into me. I think there are a few reasons for this

1) I've never really had a girlfriend. This probably has something to
do with the fact that I kinda don't care. Sure, it's obvious when I
like a girl (apparently I do all the typical elementary level things
short of writing, "do u like me?" on an note), but I've never put "the
moves" on a girl. So when a girl tries to put the moves on me, I don't
know how to react. Typical me would flirt back, playfully. Once I know
things are getting serious, I clam up. Though this rarely happens
because I'm...

2) Super dense. I really can't read people when it comes to flirting.
Flirting, to me, is a game. A game that subconciously erects
boundaries so that I don't win. In other words, I'm always protecting
myself. Bad line? "Just kidding". Dirty line? *Laughter*. Every once
in a while, however, I start winning this game and it's usually
unbeknownst to me. I really wouldn't know what to do. In all honesty,
you'd have to tell me how you feel if you want me to take you seriously.

And that's what happened. Twice. I pretty much had to turn them down
after much thought. But should I be thinking? At 21 years of age,
perhaps I should live a little. Have some fun, have new experiences,
ya know, that sort of thing. I am completely reluctant to do so!

I think it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. I want a relationship
with a girl where we really click. I'm her type and she's mine. We get
each other. We can spend time talking about nothing forever. We're
really good friends... That sort of thing. So when these opportunities
come from out of left field, I reject them. They are not the droids
I'm looking for (just popped in my head, go with it). There's nothing
wrong with them. They're beautiful in their own ways, just not my
type. But do they have to be?

Hence the title: I think I'm afraid of commitment. On a basic level, I
feel as though there doesn't need to be "types" or pre-defined
"destined" relationships. You either like each other or you don't.
BUT, I'm most afraid of getting hurt and hurting others. I don't want
to break hearts and I don't want mine broken. A few weeks, months, or
years of "fun" is meaningless if it's just not going to work out. I
attempt to calculate this out beforehand, yet it seems like I'm going
to be heartbroken either way.

Maybe I'll give this a shot, and you'll be sure to hear about it if I
end up heartbroken. Or I could just stay single and not worry about
it. I'm pretty content this way. Though if I turn out to be the 40 yr
old virgin, please kill me.

Not that anyone cares, but feel free to follow me on Twitter @jam_jon.
I'll keep it much more light hearted. We can talk about nothing
together.

What your friendship means to me

If you're reading this, chances are pretty high that I know you
personally. Like 98% chance (though if you're a random visitor, please
leave a comment!). So I figured I'd shoot something that I intend to
be "short", but no guarantees!

There was a time when I had very few or no friends. People used to
pick on me often, I was very depressed, and had often contemplated
suicide. Thankfully, I never actually attempted. Really, I am who I am
today because I now have awesome friends.

Yeah, we may not talk often. Yeah, we may only hang out once a year.
But ya know what? We're still friends! Just know I really appreciate
everything you've done for me and I hope we continue to have good
times until the end.

That was really hard to write, but I feel better now.

Prom 07

I didn't even mention prom in the last entry, so I guess I'll go over
it here.

I basically didn't have to pay for anything for prom. My best friends
really wanted me to go, but I didn't have any money, nor did my
parents. So my best friend used her voucher on me at the last minute.
It meant so much to me at the time! I was going to prom and it was
going to be awesome! Even though she paid for me, she wasn't my date,
however. It didn't bother me at the time. I specifically wanted to go
to prom with this one girl, but I guess I was too slow because she
went with the salutatorian. She even promised me a dance, but that
didn't happen! We're still cool today. I really liked that girl, but
we could never date due to cultural differences. So I can at least be
her good friend, right? This will be a running theme in my life.

So yeah, prom night. We all meet up at the ringleaders house to take
pictures and stuff. A few of those pictures are on my facebook page.
We were having such a good time and didn't realize that we were
running late! Not for prom, but for dinner. So we head out for this
restaurant downtown. Aaaand we manage to get lost. Really lost. So
lost that we ended up at a McDonald's to ask some cop for directions.
That was easily one of the most embarassing moments of my life! Think
about it: the guys all tuxed up. The girls all in extravagant dresses
and with fabulous hair. In a McDonald's. Yeah... Despite this, we
managed to get lost again! So we all decided to skip dinner and just
go to prom. Oh and did I mention that one of the couples was bickering
the entire time? Best night ever.

We finally arrive and for a good while no one in our crew was dancing.
Just watching other people dance... Fun. One by one they started to
get up and dance. Me? I was consoling my friend half the night who was
one part of the arguing couple. Eventually I got up and danced a bit
("dancing" being a loose term because I never know WTF I'm doing), but
as soon as that slow song came on I had to exit. I had no one to share
that "intimate" moment with. I spent that down time eating and taking
pictures. Pictures that are still sitting in a disposable camera in my
room. Hopefully I'll get them developed some time soon! Let's pray
that they even come out.

So prom ended and we all headed to the hotel room for a little bit of
an after party. Well, not me, since I didn't have a car and my ride
was waiting outside. She said she would hang around for another hour
or so, but I opted to leave almost as soon was possible. Loved my
friends to death, but I kinda feared what was gonna go on in that
room. Yup, I was lame, and if I were presented with a similar
situation today I would still be lame. My suspicions turned out to be
correct I would later find out. Nothing super sketchy, but it eould be
the basis that would end a friendship a month later. I don't know if I
ever want to get into that, but I will say that if what transpired was
the basis to end our friendship, we weren't very good friends in the
first place. I really care for her and still want to be her friend,
but she'd rather not have anything to do with me.

If you haven't gathered by now: Prom was awful. It was not worth it
and I will not be telling my theoretical children to go to prom and
waste hundreds of dollars. Well, I'd probably be the one wasting
money... Anyway, I'm sure there are those that went to prom and had a
magical experience, but I was not one of them. Prom is overrated.

Senior year and 2007

I'm kicking off forthcoming blog entries to give a little background of what I am today. A little recap is in order. It has been 4 years after all. I'll try to keep it short and simple.

What I remember of senior year in highschool was pretty great. For once I was excelling in all my classes. Not because I had started buckling down and studying, but because everything was so easy. Junior year was pretty terrible for me academically, so I had hoped senior year would turn it all around. We all know it doesn't work that way, but humor 17 yr old me. The biggest difference was that I was taking all advanced classes aside from 2 honors classes: English and Computer Graphics and Animation. The latter was the last of my Computer academy classes and it was almost impossible to fail. English, however, was a different story.

See, I had initially started out with all advanced classes except for the aforementioned academy class. It was TOO easy. So easy I thought My brain would slowly start to rot due to all the non action. So I bumped up to honors. Not my best decision. The teacher, Ms Savage, was a pain to deal with. She stuck to the curriculum and taught as though she was reading a list. She would ask questions and we gave few responses. Not because the questions were hard, mind you. It was because no one liked her. We all longed to be apart of Dr Street's class! They were actually learning things with an interesting teacher! I can't think of anything I've retained from that class other than a stupid old English poem that remains burned in my memory (that I just recited to myself to be sure I did in fact retain this stupid knowledge). In the end, there were a few bumps, but I made it out ok. 

Initially, graduation hit me pretty hard. I really thought that point marked the end of my social life. All of the awesome friends I had gathered were going there separate ways. I was convinced that I'd never see any of them again. Boy, was I wrong. Sure, it was inevitable that I'd certainly never see a large percentage of them again, but I remain acquaintances with all of my closest highschool friends. "Acquaintances" being the key word. I think I'll go deeper into that topic in another entry one day. 

Summer was great, but college awaited us. Kinda. I only managed to take two classes that semester and they remain the only college classes I have taken. I'll go into detail the next entry I suppose. Thus one is running a bit long despite promises of the contrary. Anyway, with my abundance of free time I needed a job, but I had a really hard time finding one. Luckily my sister told me that there was this store who needed help moving to another location and they needed some extra help. Desparate, I signed up. They told me that if I worked well enough I could stay. Aaaaand that's how I got my start at Victoria's Secret. As of this entry I'm still working there. Who knows for how much longer. 

That's about it. Hopefully my terrible writing didn't mangle what I was trying to say. That being: "Stuff happened" 

Don't call it a comeback

After 4 years or so, I've decided to give this a go again. Why now?
I've been inspired by a good friend of mine, who also reminded me how
much I like to write. I gave this blog a perusal for the first time
and years and I was amazed. 17 year old me could write pretty well!
Unfortunately I've been out of school for about 3 years now and my
writing prowess (if you could call it that) seems to have left me. For
example, I can't think of a proper way to end this paragraph! I miss
my "talent" if you can call it that. Funny, writing was one of the few
things I could do marginally well, and yet my grades in English were
mediocre at best.

So what can you expect here? The same kind of things that I was
posting before! Ya know, my nonexistent love life, gaming opinions,
and just general random thoughts. I did have some political blog
entries in the past, though I doubt I'll be posting more of that. I'm
just too uninformed to say anything relevant or logical these days.
Especially without a tv or Internet connection. My iPhone seems to be
my saving grace in that regard. There are an abundance of apps to use
to follow news, and they were completely ignored until today.

I just downloaded the NYTimes and The Onion app, and they both seem to
be satisfying my curious itch. Though one is obviously scratching my
sarcastic side. Mini review: they're both alright if a bit plain and
simple. I generally like the cool, sleek look of most apps, but these
are the total opposite. Though I should probably just lower my
expectations since it is just news. They're both getting the job done
and I hope to get much use out of them.

Back to the meat of this entry. I've had a lot of ideas swilring
around in my head about what is should post about in the future.
Things like what I've been up to these past 4 years, what games I've
been playing, work and hopefully school. The goal is for this to be an
outlet to relieve stress and generally inform those who are curious
enough to read my ramblings. Though if I talk to you regularly you
probably already know most of what I'll be posting here. Did I mention
I was posting this from my iPhone? Yeah, future entries for the time
being rely on how much I want to deal with poking at a screen for
extended periods of time (I've already spent about 15 minutes on this
entry). Thankfully it's not as bad as I thought it would be, thanks in
huge part to the auto correction and my own boredom.

So, yeah. I have plans for this thing. None of them guaranteed. I'll
catch whoever is reading this thing later